4/27/02

Yesterday, grr died. In the past month the company suffered through
layoffs, tension, rumors, and the eventual announcement of the end of
netaxs and our merger with fast.net. People we didn't know were walking
through the offices and making changes. Staff-social and casual attire
were no longer a part of our culture.. But none of this would be the
singular and profound indication of change. The loss of a sense of family,
a family that had been imprinted on me in my less than a year career. We
lost a man who *was* our network, who lived to see it thrive and grow,
and to see the employees thrive and grow under his sometimes gruff but
always loving wing. The times I was gently chided now seem to me less
like a manager lecturing an inpertinent or clumsy subordinate, but as a
parent guides a child through life. The less gentle chidings sting faded
with his always forthcoming apology and gentle guidance again. There is
no one can replace grr, and I wonder now how we will go on, even though
I know we will.

I shall put him to rest some where, some way, some how. There are many
unknowns because as much as grr was netaxs, netaxs seems to have been
seperated from grr's outside world. It seemed at times there wasn't one,
but his refreshed face after a bike ride, or roller skating, reminded
us that sometimes we would have to fly alone. But I can't seem to accept
that we will be flying it alone from now on. There is no midnight call to
grr to ask the question that only he could answer, no assumption that if
the collo exploded grr would be there to keep everyone's heads together.

I am not sure if he ever knew how fond I had grown of him, as I am not
sure I knew. The pain that swells in my chest and the tears that stream
down my face betray it though. I wish I could have a moment to say all
the things that have been ricocheting through my head these last two
days. The Netaxs family did not go away with our adoption to fast.net,
and it will not go away now. In fact his departure brought a family that
had been battered and torn and fraying around the edges in so many ways
back together.

I will miss you, I will mourn you, and you will always be in my heart and
mind. I will end this with wise words that seem to define grr's spirit.

"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.  Therefore all progress
depends on the unreasonable man." - George Bernard Shaw