It had been a while and the feeling still hadn't come back to Arden's legs and arm. The might be giants had left sometime in the past, whatever that meant, ostensibly to "go for a walk, stretch our legs, and get some fresh air." John had patted Arden on the head and said "Now, stay out of trouble, and don't go anywhere." Then they vanished.
Arden's spirits were low. He hated Brian now even more than he ever had, but even plotting Brian's demise failed to cheer him. If God existed, and lived in a place like this, it was certainly no wonder that He, or She, or It, or Them, or whatever created something to distract them. "I can't take this any more" he thought, and felt a lump rise in his throat. But his amazing time-lord masculinity kept him from crying. Even when time and space don't exist, there's still pride. But he was weak with hunger and thirst, and in no shape to defend himself.
What was more shameful, giving in to Brian, or dying at the hands of as ridiculous a creature as the might be giants? It was a tough call.
As if on cue, with a small bamf the giants appeared.
| "Still here, I see." | "Good. How are you? |
"Me?" Arden found himself forever surprised that anything these folks could say could be more inane than the last thing that they said. "I feel terrible. Absolutely terrible." His voice cracked as he mostly successfully fought off hysteria.
| "Pity. We're getting hungry." | ||
| "We could start now." | "But the legs would be wasted." | |
| "Maybe we can just take a little off the sides or something, you know, something that wouldn't kill him, so that his legs can still heal." | "Hey that's an idea. Let's get his shirt off." |
They began tugging at his shirt. Arden batted at them feebly with his one good arm, but they ignored him and managed to get his shirt up over his head, then off. John reached over and felt Arden's pectoral.
| "Hmmmm. Not bad." | "Its almost a pity to waste on food." | |
| "Almost." | "But then again, scenic food is good." | |
| "Very true." |
"Ahem," Arden said. "I must warn you that Time Lords have a somewhat different anatomy from most humanoids, and you may inadvertently cut something that you didn't expect to be there. You'd be better off just leaving me whole, in order to reduce the risk of an accident."
| "We're very good at this." | "Don't worry, we're professionals." | |
| "Yup. What I said." |
John reached into his pouch and pulled out a small box. He carefully laid it down and opened it, revealing a full set of glinting surgical steel implements: scalpels, forceps, clamps, the whole nine yards. Arden gulped. Meanwhile, John (the other John, that is) pulled out a nice fresh wax pencil.
| "Lessee....This looks like it would be a nice cut of meat." |
He pointed out a slab of muscle on Arden's side. The other giant agreed, and John outlined it in blue wax.
"And this one..."
(singing) Bellybutton in the outlet by the lightswitch Who watches over you? Make a little lintball in my soul.
Arden was covered with blue lines by the time Brian showed up. The might be giants had fled seconds before Brian's arrival, dropping the wax pencil but snatching up the surgical kit. Brian looked down at Arden with displeasure.
"Displaying yourself in such a fashion will not help you," he said. "Cheom shields me from temptation. And besides, I don't like makeup." Brian propped Arden up and helped him put his shirt on. "Have you reconsidered my proposition?"
"I can't do it."
"Certainly you can. You are a Time Lord."
"No. If I could I would, but I can't get a TARDIS for you. I can't even get one for myself. It's not like you can just waltz in to the TARDIS shop and pick out the new model."
"That is certainly a pity. Perhaps by the time I return, you will have thought of some alternative way." Brian stood up to leave.
"NOOOOOOO! Don't leave me here! They'll sing to me again! I can't stand it!" Arden was surprised at the desperate sound in his own voice. He hadn't meant to say anything at all. It just, sorta, happened.
"When was the last time you slept?" Brian asked. "Are you aware of the effects of sleep deprivation on the brain? Please be more rested when I return."
"Wait!"
"Yes?" Brian looked at Arden skeptically.
"I may be able to manage something."
Brian prompted him for more.
"Well, in my time I've managed to get a few people indebted to me, and I never really called in those debts."
"You mean Nick accumulated debt."
"Well, yeah. Ok. So it was in my last incarnation. But its owed to me. I need to get in touch with some people, though."
"And this will provide me with a TARDIS?"
"Hopefully."
"One that works?"
"Yes."
"To be delivered at the time when we arrive back on the Starbucket?"
"Sure."
"Then let us go." Brian hoisted Arden up and slung him over his shoulder. Then they were gone.
*******
A strange noise filled Brian's chambers on the Bucket. 'Kata and Neil looked up to see a door, somewhat battered, but the words "Oriental Massage" clearly visible, appear in one of the walls. A red lamp (it looked gas powered) extruded from the frame of the door. A newspaper flew across the room and struck the door. It was a New York Times from Feb. 27th, 1993. The headline mentioned a terrorist attack on the World Trade Towers the previous day. Then with a muffled pop Brian and Arden appeared in the room.
"Arden!" Anakata ran up to Arden and hugged him. "You're safe and back!"
"Of course he's safe," Brian grumbled. "I even healed him up and fed him."
"Good of him, don't you think?" Arden said sarcastically. "Not to mention that I could have died there, left all alone to defend myself against voracious man-eating monsters."
'Kata glared at Brian. "You told me he was perfectly safe."
"He was."
Anakata's fingernails glinted dangerously and everyone could tell that she was wondering whether to kill Brian or just cut him up real bad, when the Christian Slater looking guy stepped up to Arden and said
"Like, hi Arden. Its been a while. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry I made that big goof that got me fired. But, like, now I'm back, and, like, Brian and me are going, like, adventuring."
Arden looked at Neil and blinked a few times. He opened up his mouth to speak when, with a bamf, the might be giants appeared. "AARGH!" he yelled, and tried to pounce on them, but they dodged.
| "Oh fine, some thanks we get." | "Yeah. Risk our lives to keep you kicking..." | |
| "Well, not kicking *exactly*..." | "You know what we mean." | |
| "Flailing?" | "Yeah." |
'Kata looked at the miniscule giants and then at Arden. Arden's face was red. "These are the 'voracious monsters' you were talking about?"
| "Thats us: voracious." | "Yessereebob." | |
| "Mean and nasty too." | "Evil city." |
"You have done well, my son, er, sons?" Brian said. "And I have your reward."
"Goody!!!"
Brian reached into a large closet, and pulled out two objects. The giants jumped up and down in anticipation.
"I hate you," Arden mentioned.
"For John," Brian said, "I have a brand new guitar, with case, electric pickups, effects box, and amplifier." He held out a case to John. "And for John I have a brand new accordian, fully MIDI compatible. I dub you Guitar John and Accordian John, respectively."
| "ALRIIIGHT!" | |||
| "Cool!" |
The might be giants gave itself five, then got to work unpacking the instruments.
"Perhaps you would like to take them home to practice," suggested Brian, "so that, through music and verse you may be able to further the cause of Cheom."
| "Cheom? Oh! Yeah. Cheom. | ||
| Sure. No problem." | "Well, we're outta here, then." | |
| "Hey Arden, it was fun, man." | "We'll put you on our mailing list." | |
| "See ya." |
And they were gone.
"And we must be going as well." Brian grabbed a couple bags he had already packed and put them in the TARDIS.
"Like, yeah. I'm gonna miss you guys." Neil looked very sad.
"I, too, will miss you," Brian said to Anakata. "Please take this." He held an amulet out to her. It was a hideously ugly pendant of a purple flying hippo with a long spiked tongue. "It can heal you when you are grievously wounded, even if you do not believe in Cheom." He put the amulet in her hands and turned away. "Arden, I know that this is not much of a consolation, but you were never unattended, and while there is no love lost between us, I would never put you in danger."
Neither 'Kata or Arden spoke as Brian and Neil got into the TARDIS and left.
"So, Brian is set loose upon the universe." 'Kata shook her head. "I thought I was screwed up."
Arden looked thoughtful. "If I knew that Neil was going to be on that thing, I would have given him a more dependable machine. Well, its gotten a beacon that we can track him with, if he gets out of hand. And its configured as a french brothel. That should drive Brian crazy. There's not one uncomfortable spot on the ship."
"Won't he just reconfigure it into a bed of nails or something?"
"He can't. Its hardwired into that configuration. They'd have to take the machine apart and rewire it physically to allow alternate configurations."
"Ha!" 'Kata laughed. "Neil should be comfortable, at least."
"True." Arden put his arm around Anakata. "While I was getting that TARDIS from the scrap heap, I took the opportunity to pick myself up a new toy. It should be in my room by now."
"Perhaps we should go see it." She poked him in the ribs. "Voracious monsters, indeed."
"Well..."
The door slid closed on them, and the room slowly faded away into nothing as the Starbucket reclaimed the space.